Healing

 Next month will be my strokeversary (stroke anniversary) and I honestly can't believe its been a year.  Anyway,  I'll have a celebratory post next month about it where I'll cry, jump for joy and maybe even do a little dance for you:).

But what this post is really about is healing emotionally and physically.  The other day I had a hand to forehead moment where I realized that I have spent the last year NOT healing.

"What do you mean NOT healing? What the heck have you been doing?" I'm sure that's the response from most people after reading that last paragraph.

I've been busy adjusting to a new baby and all the craziness that comes with it.  See, I got six weeks after my stroke to be strong enough to deliver him, that's it.  For someone who went through what I did, thats not a enough.  NO WHERE NEAR ENOUGH!  Add postpartum, adjusting the other's to a baby, being a wife, and relearning basic life skills, well let's just say its been tough.

Tough, is not the word for it.  It's been draining.  I have cried so much the last 11 months than I have in my whole entire life and I think I've been through some really tough situations prior to this stroke (believe it or not).

I spent the last year proving to myself that I was the same Leslie prior to March.  That I could still do all that I could do.  That I wasn't broken or tainted.  That I was strong enough to get through this.  When the doctors told me that there was a very high possibility that I wasnt going to get my speech back, that I basically gave them the finger and said "WATCH ME!".  When they said that I would have problems walking for a long time, I ran months later.  That when I heard people whisper "I wonder how she's going to manage ALL these kids." I've done it just fine (ok not perfect but we are surviving).  When I couldn't write, well you know, I said I was going to write a book which now I should have written about what happened (maybe in another life time).

  I spent 11 months in hiding.  Hiding all the pain that I'm in.  Going behind closed doors and screaming into a pillow because I was angry and sad.  I've hidden behind this invisible door because I don't want anyone to see me so broken.  When I got out of the hospital, I forbid for people to see me. I didnt want to leave my house.  It was four months before some of our family even met River.  I've put this huge wall up because I didnt want to get hurt, physically or emotionally. Any type of pain I felt, caused serious panic attacks "is this another stroke" or "i dont want to be angry or sad more than I already am".

On the positive side, I've learned a lot about who I am, health, friendships, family and finding ways to cope.  I've learned that I'm not as weak as I feel inside and that everyday I see the sun come up is a blessing.  That I need to do some decluttering in my life (not just of material things but of things that I thought were important).

So you see what I've been doing, I've been trying to prove to MYSELF that I'm still that woman from last year.  But the truth is, I'm not.

 When I went to see some of my doctors this past month, I got the low down on how important it is to take the time to heal.  We talked, consulted, and came up with a game plan.  I came home and discussed it with my better half and he gave me the ok. So per doctor's order, I've had to register and sign up for things that had nothing to do with writing but to get out there with other people, get dirty and heal.  I'll be posting lots of pictures and words with my new endeavors.

 Healing means;

*talking to people about it (which I dont like to, it gives me horrible anxiety)
*resting
*getting physically strong
*learning to cope
*finding a tribe of supportive people (making new friends and reconnecting with old)
*COMPLETELY changing my life
*getting back out there in the world and not just sit behind a computer

When next month comes and I have to live that day over again, a year later, its going to be a new year for me.  A time to heal and accept that I'm a better version of myself.   A lot of new things are starting next month, new adventures and new doors.

If I dont finally take the time to heal, than it will not only affect me but my family.