I'm A Writer Here Me Roar!

This post is to all the mothers out there who have a hard time saying "Yes, I'm mom but I'm also a writer!"  Yes, you know what I'm talking about.  I want you to scream it. Write it. Tweet It. Take a picture of that word and IG the heck out of it.  Freaking get a cup of coffee and have that talented barista write "writer" in it instead of that heart.

I always meet other moms that say "I wish I was a writer."  Yes, I was one of those until about 10 minutes ago while I was laying in bed nursing the baby when it clicked.  I am a writer damn it. Even if I freaking suck at it and I barely have time to do it.

The last couple of months I've been climbing that steep mountain of writing to the point where I was cliff hanging that bad boy and holding on by my finger tips. I was feeling that ledge quickly slipping away and my arms were hurting from just dangling.  I was putting too much pressure on myself because I wasn't sitting at the computer writing but instead I was busy doing the best job in the world, being a mom.    I caught myself and took a step back and realized "I'm doing the best that I can do for where I am now."  Life is life.  Being a mom is no joke and everything else that we add in our lives is a freaking bonus.

So what that you didn't write 2k words a day like Stephen King says.  So what, that the mama you stalk on IG just finished her triology while she homeschooled, ran a farm and has her own etsy shop.  Kudos to you lady and maybe you should come over and tell me how you did it.  Am I hating? No. I'm just being honest and making all those other mama writers realize that we are doing what we can with the time we have and that you are STILL a writer even if you didn't sit at the computer today.

I am a writer even if I only write one sentence a day.  Even if I write an email to the Kindergarten teacher telling her that I have no freaking clue where Chloe put the library book and if she could just fine me and be over it.  I am writer when the only thing I write is a sticky post it note that says "Just Breathe" over the kitchen sink because I know two seconds later I have a baby climbing into the dishwasher trying to lick off last nights dinner.  I am writer when I text my sister about what color poop my nephew had that day and how engorged our boobs feel.

My point is, to all the mama writers out there, no matter how little you write each day or, lets be honest, how much we didn't get to write today, you are a writer. A freaking amazing one.  So, stand on your bed and start jumping up and down and WHISPER, don't yell we can't wake the kids up, "I AM A WRITER."

Now quickly, nurse that baby back to sleep and turn on Netflix or better yet, write.



Listening to: the beautiful sound of a quiet house

Where I Write

Wolf River has really been a test of time management and dedication.  When I tell you I have waved the white flag,  its true.  I have waved it high and proud.  "This is it.  What was I thinking? Was I even thinking? Must email Rosemi!"  

Then I slow down my breathing, check my pulse, count to ten, put my feet up against the wall and bitch.  I sprint to my computer and write a whining email to my editor.

So I get out and go to my favorite place to write Wolf River.  The one place that inspires me. Where I'm surrounded by like minded people, people who have done it before me and who know what I am feeling. Where people come in and out with a book.  Where people are reading or searching for the perfect one to get lost in.  

I go to the library.  

(not the library by my beautiful shelf) 

It's the best place!  My dream, when all this is said and done,  is that I get to read my book at my local library.  The people who work there are so nice and I know them all.  They greet me with a warm smile and talk to me like a friend.

Support your local library and go spend some time there.  It will  motivate you to keep writing.

Listening to: Ain't Nobdoy's Problem by The Lumineers

It Must Rain First

It's a dark day.

The clouds are covering that bright blue sky.

I close my eyes and hear the rain beat a subtle sound on my roof.

There is no one outside.

A warm cup of hot chocolate in my hands is calling my name.

I yearn to be under a soft blanket, staring out the window in silence but instead I hear sounds of little ones around the house.

Is this rain going to last all day? I wait and ponder this gloomy day.

An hour later, I'm ready for the rain to stop and I'm getting impatient.  Did the sun even rise today? The day lingers on.

We curl up in bed with no plans, no objectives, no to do list.  We just sit and chat about unicorns, pink nail polish, adventures to take and magical fairies named "Ralana."

Tomorrow the sun may poke its head out but we shall see.

It must rain first and clean the earth.  Feed the animals and water the fall plants.  We must see darkness before we see the light.  Learning to be patient is the greatest challenge for today.

Why Write A Book?

I ask myself the same question about a couple of times a day now. Why write a book? When self doubt comes creeping in and I question the purpose of it.  Will it change the world? Probably not. Will I become a NY Bestseller? Ummmm, I'm not that lucky.  Will I become rich? Absolutely not but a girl can dream.  

I'm not writing this book for fame or fortune.  I'm not writing this book to become a cool cat or gain 1k followers on my Instagram account.  I'm not writing this book to end world hunger though I wish I could.  I'm not writing this book because I'm an excellent writer because, I know for a fact, that I am still an amateur.

I'm writing this book because earlier this year I couldn't even pick up a pen.  My brain wanted to pick it up but it just couldn't.  I remember so clearly when I discovered I couldn't write.  "Leslie,  we need you to sign this document to give us permission to perform these tests."  I nodded my head afraid for anyone to listen to my gibberish and stutter.  I tried to raise my right arm but it was shaking uncontrollably.   The nurse noticed my frustration and immediately put the pen in my hand and laid it on the paper. I smiled at her.  "You're welcome." She replied to me.  But I couldn't get the pen to sign my name.  A tear rolled down my cheek.  The nurse was holding the paper down and trying not to stare at me.  I dropped the pen, I couldn't hold it anymore.  It felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.  More tears came pouring out.  I remember thinking 'I can't write. Oh my god. I can't write.  This can't be happening!'  "Just do your best Leslie.  We just need to get you in for this CT scan immediately." "Bbbbuuuutttt.  IIIIII cannnntttt." I replied to her and my eyes spoke a million words to her.  Agony, pain and sadness were written all over them.  She put the pen back in my hand and I just made the smallest mark on the paper.   

When the test was done.  They wheeled me back to my room where my husband was waiting for me.  I couldn't even look at him in the eye.  "What's wrong Les?"  I looked out at the window and told him "IIII cannnttt wwwwrrrrrriiiiitte." He didn't ask me how I found out or said the usual response during those days of ' don't worry everything will be fine.'  He just hugged me and let me cry for a very long time.  There were no words he could say that would make what I felt go away.  When I finally stopped crying, he handed me a piece of paper.  "Les, start with the basics.  Do your ABCs."  I looked at him like he had lost his mind but he was right and that's exactly what I did.  I told him that when I learn to write again, I was going to write a book. 

See, I experienced a temporary loss of something that is so basic to so many of us, the ability to write.  With determination and practice, I was able to write again.  My speech took a lot longer and that might be another post for another day.  So there you have it,  I'm writing this book because at one point I could barely move my right arm, because I said I was going to do it and I am. 

There will always be mountains in our lives. Obstacles too hard to overcome but with faith, determination and willpower, no mountain will ever be too high.  Not for me anyway.  I was born a fighter and I will die a fighter. 

What The Heck Is Balance?

My to do list is never ending and I'm lucky if I get one item done these days.  I  laugh hysterically at the laundry monster who haunts and stares at me everyday.  "You shall never get me done. bwahahaha!" Yes laundry monster, you win everyday. Sigh.  With a new baby, writing my first book and juggling the everyday things, life has gotten a little crazy.

My days normally go like this. Please note that this is a short and sweet version of my day:

8:00 am - breakfast
   *in between five diaper changes, spilled milk, must get kids out of the house before I lose my mind, and screaming baby *

10:00 am- still trying to clean up from breakfast.  Got half the dishes in the dishwasher when I realize I haven't even unloaded the clean dishes. *slaps forehead*

11:00 am - kids start begging for a snack.  "But I just cleaned breakfast and you're hungry again!!"

12:00 pm -  I decide I need to feed these kids before their sugar level drops any further and the crying goes from a whine to a full blown temper tantrum which leads to throwing ourselves on the ground and biting.

 Side note - I envy all you parents whose kids still nap. No nappers here besides the baby, who bless his heart, tries to nap but normally gets a car on his stomach, a sloppy ketchup kiss or "let it go let it go" sung to him.

1:00 pm - I receive a text from husband "are you ok? kids ok? is the house ok?"  It's his way of asking me if I am still standing or am I waving a white flag.  Trust me there are days I want to text him "COME HOME NOW OR IM GETTING A ONE WAY TICKET TO SOMEWHERE WARM AND TROPICAL WITHOUT ANY OF YOU!"  yes those caps are intentional and I am screaming.

3:00 pm- I'm done. I have reached exhaustion and have not done anything on my to do list besides feed the kids and get them partially dressed.  At this point I have caved and I decide the best thing for all of us is to watch Netflix, Amazon Prime and/or Hulu Plus.  God bless internet service and streaming.

6:30 - husband walks in the door and I disappear

So the question I get asked frequently is "how do you balance everything?" The answer is I DONT! I try and I've read countless blog posts from establishing a routine to living a simpler life.  But in all honesty, right now I live moment by moment and I am very forgiving to myself and everything I said I was not going to do when I became a mom, I have now done.  If I take away all things "I have to get done" my days go smoother. I do what I can, write when I can and do laundry when I can.  Instead of focusing on what I didn't get done, I focus on what I have gotten done.  I gave my kids lots of love, I fed them, we eventually got outside and we are all still alive.  There is more positive in my day when I look at it from this perspective.

So if you ever come over and you step on a lego or there is no clean cups or a kid is running around naked, welcome to my happy home. This is how we are balancing life, for now.

Butterfly Wings

“Are they done yet?” asked Maria eager to see the final product.

“Almost done, Dear.  Just hold still,” said Ophelia pushing her eye glasses back up.  This will be her greatest piece.  There can be no mistakes.  Everyone will see them during the festival.  She would retire after this.  Her paint brushes and paint will all be put away.  Her bags were packed and she was ready to leave the others. It was time to see what else was out there.  Her plans were to fly further south to the edge of the Andean mountains.

Since her migration into Mexico, she hadn’t left Michoacán.  It had become her home the last couple of months.  She knew she had very little time left and with so few of them coming in every year, there was worry that their kind would soon vanish. This is something she could not bear to witness.

“Oh, I just can’t wait.  I’ve told the others about our idea to transform into another butterfly.  I just can't believe no one has thought about it before. I’m going to be beautiful!” Maria said unable to keep her antennas from fluttering.  

"You are beautiful but this is definitely going to turn everyone's head for sure," Ophelia said.

“Just a couple more touches and we should be all done,” she said.  She felt guilty that she hadn't told Maria about her plans to leave.  She was like a daughter to her.

She added a few more strokes of red to Maria's new wings and put her brush down.  She took a step back and admired her work.  The wings were finally done.  She had transformed Maria into a new butterfly.  She no longer looked like the rest of The Monarchs.  

"There, all done. Now take a look," Ophelia said.  She handed Maria a mirror.  

Maria took one look and gasped. "I can't believe it! They're beautiful." She flew in a circle admiring every detail of her new wings.  They were fire red with glitter.  No longer black and orange.  Maria would be the talk of the festival.  Stories would be told of her and passed on from migration to migration.

"I must hurry and catch up with the others.  The welcoming ceremony of the new butterflies will start soon," Maria said.  "I love you Ophelia,  thank you!" She bent her antenna down and gave Ophelia a butterfly kiss.

"It was an honor.  Now, off you go!" Ophelia said.

Maria hurried out and headed straight to the ceremony.  Ophelia quickly gathered her bags and said goodbye to her home.  

She had done the right thing and given Maria a gift she will never forget.  A new set of butterfly wings.

participating in the july prompts for write alm

These Days

This past week has been pretty busy.  Right now, I'm writing this post in my underwear and shirt because I've changed 100x. Why? My boobs won't stop leaking.  And if you follow me on twitter or instagram, you are well aware of my leaking boobs but look at that face, he is so worth it.

We also hit the road to the Eastern Shore and it was great.  It was nice to get away and out of the same routine.  More pictures of our road trip soon.

We celebrated Wolf Rayne's 3rd birthday this week and it was awesome.  All the kids were so excited and so were we.  We visited the zoo, had family over, and had a pinata.  Wolf was over the moon and her smile spoke a thousand words.

I've been editing a story that I started writing last fall.  It's still not finished but I needed to send it off to my mentor to help me figure out what to do next.  Its a deep story and I haven't decided if I should share it or not.  If it should be a short story or be written and filed in a folder labeled Personal.  Not sure yet.  But, its a story that has made me cry and touched my heart.  It feels good to start working on it again and eventually finish it.

Speaking of writing, I have an idea for my first book! I'm excited to start the process of it.  I have no expectations though, I just want to do it.   The research has begun for it and I give so much credit for all the authors out there.  The amount of research that goes into a book is crazy.   But, I'm excited to share this adventure with you guys.

Have a fabulous weekend!