Father & Son

There is something magical about a relationship between a father and son.

Something that I am blessed my boys will have forever.

Moments like these, I am thankful that I carry my camera around all the time so I can capture this.

Moments that dont need many words because the picture tells it all.

I didnt bother to edit this because I want to keep it as raw as possible.

To keep the moment exactly as it was that evening.

Craving Vitamin D

What is it with the green lush forest that I crave? The pure scent of the wild.  The untouched part of the earth where no cars, no buildings and if we are lucky no pollution. I guess its the undiscovered that pulls me in.  The ability to go explore and not feel confined to my house or the hustle of the busy life we live by.

As a stay at home mom,  there are several times a week when the four walls I live in start caving in on me.  The gloomy days of winter get under my skin and make me crave vitamin D like I crave chocolate.

Dont get me wrong, I believe that winter is necessary for nature and for us.  A time to slow down and hibernate. To get that old crock pot going, start a fire and curl up on the couch and read a good book. But I can't tell you how much I miss seeing green and the smiling sun shining on me.  The walks to drop off the kids at school seem happier with less crying because they are cold and more time spent at the park playing before homework.   Right now, I'm writing a chapter in Wolf River that the setting is in the winter time with lots of snow and cold days.  So I shouldn't be complaining because right now those wolves  have it much harder than I do.

But the outdoors for me is my therapy, its my medication and my sanity.  All the doors and windows are open.  The sweet sound of the front screen door opening and closing brings me joy.  Not the monster heater that turns on, kills my plants and forces me to put extra socks on even when the thermostat reads 70.

I'm sending the above picture to my printer this week and having them print it at least 11 x 14.  It's going to be a reminder of the time soon to come.  But don't get all excited because you will laugh when I tell you that I'm putting it in my bathroom because its the only place in my house that doesnt have a window and I need a constant reminder of the outdoors.  A green bathroom yes!

I have a fun announcement next week, just need to work out the details, and I will post it here:) So be on the look out.

Listening to: Slow It Down by The Lumineers

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Photography & Plants

A lot of what I've been posting lately has been about my writing and about Wolf River but as much as I love writing my true passions are film photography, polaroid, healthy eating, simple living and plants. Yes, plants! I pin plants, think plants and shop plants.  I even have a crazy idea brewing in my head.

 But photography, oh it what makes my heart skip a beat.  I'm that lady who pulls out the camera at the most awkward moments. I've been shooting for years now and each year I learn something new, what I don't like to photograph and what I do.  When I first started shooting I thought for sure I wanted to be a portrait photographer but as years go by I've learned that I love to shoot lifestyle, still life, randomness that I love, my kids and plants.  I love seeing my work in print. It makes my heart full and puts a big smile on my face.  Don't even get me started on polaroid, it makes me weak in the knees.

I guess I felt the need to share this because I've put my work on the back burner. Why? I got discouraged and felt that I lost my spark.  I felt it even more recently and it broke my heart into a million pieces but I think thats what happens with every artist.  You have moments when you think you suck big time and you question why you even call yourself a photographer.  I had to take a step back and take a deep breath.  I realized that I need to shoot more than I do now and only shoot things I love.  Thats it.  Every thing else will fall into place.  Sometimes it's good to put your passions out into the universe and let it open doors.

Listening to: Sesame Street in the background :)

Change Is Inevitable

Everything changes. It's inevitable.

It's a natural process to change and evolve.  Embrace it for what it is.  It's scary and anything that takes us out of our comfort zone comes fear of the unknown.  Change is necessary for us to grow and learn.  Without it life would be at a standstill.  We would never learn from mistakes.

I sense a shift coming in my life. A time to change and grow.  To focus on myself and work from the inside out.  To only welcome the things I love and the people I love in my life.  To have positive energy around me.  

Welcome change with open arms and love.  Exhale the old and inhale the new.

Listening to: Breathe by Telepopmusik 

It Must Rain First

It's a dark day.

The clouds are covering that bright blue sky.

I close my eyes and hear the rain beat a subtle sound on my roof.

There is no one outside.

A warm cup of hot chocolate in my hands is calling my name.

I yearn to be under a soft blanket, staring out the window in silence but instead I hear sounds of little ones around the house.

Is this rain going to last all day? I wait and ponder this gloomy day.

An hour later, I'm ready for the rain to stop and I'm getting impatient.  Did the sun even rise today? The day lingers on.

We curl up in bed with no plans, no objectives, no to do list.  We just sit and chat about unicorns, pink nail polish, adventures to take and magical fairies named "Ralana."

Tomorrow the sun may poke its head out but we shall see.

It must rain first and clean the earth.  Feed the animals and water the fall plants.  We must see darkness before we see the light.  Learning to be patient is the greatest challenge for today.

Why Write A Book?

I ask myself the same question about a couple of times a day now. Why write a book? When self doubt comes creeping in and I question the purpose of it.  Will it change the world? Probably not. Will I become a NY Bestseller? Ummmm, I'm not that lucky.  Will I become rich? Absolutely not but a girl can dream.  

I'm not writing this book for fame or fortune.  I'm not writing this book to become a cool cat or gain 1k followers on my Instagram account.  I'm not writing this book to end world hunger though I wish I could.  I'm not writing this book because I'm an excellent writer because, I know for a fact, that I am still an amateur.

I'm writing this book because earlier this year I couldn't even pick up a pen.  My brain wanted to pick it up but it just couldn't.  I remember so clearly when I discovered I couldn't write.  "Leslie,  we need you to sign this document to give us permission to perform these tests."  I nodded my head afraid for anyone to listen to my gibberish and stutter.  I tried to raise my right arm but it was shaking uncontrollably.   The nurse noticed my frustration and immediately put the pen in my hand and laid it on the paper. I smiled at her.  "You're welcome." She replied to me.  But I couldn't get the pen to sign my name.  A tear rolled down my cheek.  The nurse was holding the paper down and trying not to stare at me.  I dropped the pen, I couldn't hold it anymore.  It felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.  More tears came pouring out.  I remember thinking 'I can't write. Oh my god. I can't write.  This can't be happening!'  "Just do your best Leslie.  We just need to get you in for this CT scan immediately." "Bbbbuuuutttt.  IIIIII cannnntttt." I replied to her and my eyes spoke a million words to her.  Agony, pain and sadness were written all over them.  She put the pen back in my hand and I just made the smallest mark on the paper.   

When the test was done.  They wheeled me back to my room where my husband was waiting for me.  I couldn't even look at him in the eye.  "What's wrong Les?"  I looked out at the window and told him "IIII cannnttt wwwwrrrrrriiiiitte." He didn't ask me how I found out or said the usual response during those days of ' don't worry everything will be fine.'  He just hugged me and let me cry for a very long time.  There were no words he could say that would make what I felt go away.  When I finally stopped crying, he handed me a piece of paper.  "Les, start with the basics.  Do your ABCs."  I looked at him like he had lost his mind but he was right and that's exactly what I did.  I told him that when I learn to write again, I was going to write a book. 

See, I experienced a temporary loss of something that is so basic to so many of us, the ability to write.  With determination and practice, I was able to write again.  My speech took a lot longer and that might be another post for another day.  So there you have it,  I'm writing this book because at one point I could barely move my right arm, because I said I was going to do it and I am. 

There will always be mountains in our lives. Obstacles too hard to overcome but with faith, determination and willpower, no mountain will ever be too high.  Not for me anyway.  I was born a fighter and I will die a fighter. 

Bittersweet Goodbyes To Summer

 Life has moved forward in  higher speeds than I wanted it to.  This time of  year is when I realize that time truly does fly by.  I look back at summer and realize that its gone. Ciao! Adios! It's been awesome!

The long sleeve shirts and pants came down from the attic last week.  I bought mums for the front yard and the pumpkins from our garden were harvested and displayed.  Tomorrow fall will be here officially.

But, I say this every September, I'm ready for it and the crisp cool weather.  I'm looking forward to warming up my first apple cider, Halloween costume prepping and the crock-pot.  Oh yes, the crock-pot, it warms up my house and makes it smell like food all day. Yum! Oh fall, I'm ready for you with open arms and hot chocolate kisses.

I loved you summer, oh so much and you will truly be missed.  Thank you for teaching me valuable lessons and letting me spend another summer with my wolf pack.  It was the hardest season of my life but the most memorable one of them all.

What The Heck Is Balance?

My to do list is never ending and I'm lucky if I get one item done these days.  I  laugh hysterically at the laundry monster who haunts and stares at me everyday.  "You shall never get me done. bwahahaha!" Yes laundry monster, you win everyday. Sigh.  With a new baby, writing my first book and juggling the everyday things, life has gotten a little crazy.

My days normally go like this. Please note that this is a short and sweet version of my day:

8:00 am - breakfast
   *in between five diaper changes, spilled milk, must get kids out of the house before I lose my mind, and screaming baby *

10:00 am- still trying to clean up from breakfast.  Got half the dishes in the dishwasher when I realize I haven't even unloaded the clean dishes. *slaps forehead*

11:00 am - kids start begging for a snack.  "But I just cleaned breakfast and you're hungry again!!"

12:00 pm -  I decide I need to feed these kids before their sugar level drops any further and the crying goes from a whine to a full blown temper tantrum which leads to throwing ourselves on the ground and biting.

 Side note - I envy all you parents whose kids still nap. No nappers here besides the baby, who bless his heart, tries to nap but normally gets a car on his stomach, a sloppy ketchup kiss or "let it go let it go" sung to him.

1:00 pm - I receive a text from husband "are you ok? kids ok? is the house ok?"  It's his way of asking me if I am still standing or am I waving a white flag.  Trust me there are days I want to text him "COME HOME NOW OR IM GETTING A ONE WAY TICKET TO SOMEWHERE WARM AND TROPICAL WITHOUT ANY OF YOU!"  yes those caps are intentional and I am screaming.

3:00 pm- I'm done. I have reached exhaustion and have not done anything on my to do list besides feed the kids and get them partially dressed.  At this point I have caved and I decide the best thing for all of us is to watch Netflix, Amazon Prime and/or Hulu Plus.  God bless internet service and streaming.

6:30 - husband walks in the door and I disappear

So the question I get asked frequently is "how do you balance everything?" The answer is I DONT! I try and I've read countless blog posts from establishing a routine to living a simpler life.  But in all honesty, right now I live moment by moment and I am very forgiving to myself and everything I said I was not going to do when I became a mom, I have now done.  If I take away all things "I have to get done" my days go smoother. I do what I can, write when I can and do laundry when I can.  Instead of focusing on what I didn't get done, I focus on what I have gotten done.  I gave my kids lots of love, I fed them, we eventually got outside and we are all still alive.  There is more positive in my day when I look at it from this perspective.

So if you ever come over and you step on a lego or there is no clean cups or a kid is running around naked, welcome to my happy home. This is how we are balancing life, for now.

These Days

This past week has been pretty busy.  Right now, I'm writing this post in my underwear and shirt because I've changed 100x. Why? My boobs won't stop leaking.  And if you follow me on twitter or instagram, you are well aware of my leaking boobs but look at that face, he is so worth it.

We also hit the road to the Eastern Shore and it was great.  It was nice to get away and out of the same routine.  More pictures of our road trip soon.

We celebrated Wolf Rayne's 3rd birthday this week and it was awesome.  All the kids were so excited and so were we.  We visited the zoo, had family over, and had a pinata.  Wolf was over the moon and her smile spoke a thousand words.

I've been editing a story that I started writing last fall.  It's still not finished but I needed to send it off to my mentor to help me figure out what to do next.  Its a deep story and I haven't decided if I should share it or not.  If it should be a short story or be written and filed in a folder labeled Personal.  Not sure yet.  But, its a story that has made me cry and touched my heart.  It feels good to start working on it again and eventually finish it.

Speaking of writing, I have an idea for my first book! I'm excited to start the process of it.  I have no expectations though, I just want to do it.   The research has begun for it and I give so much credit for all the authors out there.  The amount of research that goes into a book is crazy.   But, I'm excited to share this adventure with you guys.

Have a fabulous weekend!

Keep Moving Forward

Even in our darkest day there's light.  A speck.  A small hope.  But, its our choice whether we want to continue to fight the madness, the evil, the hardships, the unknown.  To follow the light takes faith, courage and strength.

There is no easy road to get where your heart desires.  To get to a better place you must have a soul of a warrior.  You  must get up when you have fallen.  When you come to a crossroad dont take the path that looks the easiest.  You know, the quick fix route.  The one that guarantees in thirty days you will get there with no bumps on the road.

No, don’t take that one.  Take the one that will make you sweat. The one that you have to hike 5 miles up a steep hill and you have to keep moving forward.  The one that gives you bumps and scrapes.  The one that leaves you with a scar that later on you will have something to show for.  

We’ve all been there.  At the bottom of the abyss.  The darkest and saddest place in our lives.  It’s a pivotal point.  It makes us cry and tears us up inside.  Its a battle that no one in the world knows your are fighting except you.   No, we won’t show those pictures on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter.  Those are pictures that are kept in a folder in our phones. Because those are real life.  

Where ever you are, whatever problem you have, what ever battle you are fighting, keep fighting. Put your combat outfit on and keep moving forward.  Because know, that I am fighting the same battle, one day at a time.  


participating in the July writing prompt from writealm.com